Madison Resident Sweats Through Shirt Watching Capitals Playoff Hockey Following last nights 4 - 1 victory over the Philadelphia Flyers, the Capitals are well on their way to the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Midway through the first period no goals had been scored, but Paul's shirt had been changed twice already as the sweat poured from him. Noting that the apartment was much hotter than normal, Paul complained to himself about the scorching temperature of 64 degrees Fahrenheit. The first outburst of joy slipped out of Paul's normally lifeless body when the Capitals slotted home the first goal of the contest at the 14:09 mark. Luckily, his roommate was out of town, and Paul wouldn't have to try to explain his emotions to another human being for another day. As the game wore on, Paul continued to live in elation as the Capitals dominated most of the game and pulled out the W. As the final horn sounded, Paul threw up a W made form his hands to signal that he was a Badger and a winner. The looming though of nearly all his friends transferring to other colleges almost creeped into his brain, but he quickly shut it down fearing that he would 'feel' something other than rage. As the night wore on, Paul charted the Capitals run to the finals, but he mistakenly had the Capitals beating the winner of the Penguins/ Rangers in the second round. At press time, Paul was seen shopping online for a new mouse.
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Local student, Grant, celebrates his birthday with a cold, refreshing can of Bud Light On April 7th, 2016 Grant celebrated his 19th birthday. After a Thursday filled with classes and finishing up a group project, Grant knew just how to celebrate the beginning of his 19th year on this planet. He walked into the dorm of resident Bryce before tossing his backpack aside and reaching into the mini fridge and taking out a refreshing Bud Light. Knowing that it was still a school night, Grant opted for the smaller, 8oz. cans to ensure that this celebratory drink would not affect his studies. As he popped the tab, Brandon was seen eyeing up Grant with jealousy, as he was in the middle of a fight with his girlfriend and needed something to take the edge off. When asked, Grant had this to say about the taste of the drink. "It tastes like heaven in a can. I could drink 3, or maybe even 4 of these little things before I would pass out on this couch." He continued on, saying, "I love the crisp flavor of the hops and the medley of flavor that arises when you catch the after tones of wheat and barley." Bryce even joined in the celebration, drinking mostly out of depression though, as he got steamrolled in what was supposed to be a friendly match of League of Legends among friends. At press time, Grant was seen stumbling to the mini fridge to grab his 5th can, much to the dismay of his lady friend, who was worried he was getting a bit 'handsy'.
Nothing But Chaos, As a Grown Adult Finally Overcomes the Final Foe of a Game Made for Children The world is in a state of elation at this moment, as Tyler Hamlin has finally done the impossible. He has beaten the final trainer of the Elite Four and completed his Pokemon adventure. The dream that he sought out as a child has finally come to fruition. Some children beat the game during their childhood, but others like Tyler prefer to savor the journey and wait until they are nearly 20 years old. His closest friends have been informed of the achievement and they are in the works of planning his celebration party. When asked, Tyler had this to say about his accomplishment. "Its just something that I've been working towards my whole life. It's a coming of age, ya know. I can finally say that I am a true Pokemon master". Reports have come in that Pokemon plans on upping the difficulty of their next game to accommodate Tyler's increased skill level. The developers at Pokemon commented, "We have waited years for this day. We wanted to increase the difficulty to make the game more challenging and engaging for small kids, but we had to wait it out for someone like Tyler". At press time, Tyler Hamlin was seen researching the release date of Pokemon Sun and Moon, as he looks for a new project to consume his early adult years.
Local Resident Howie Mayer Engages in Stimulating Conversation on Tinder After a long night of swiping right, local man Howie Mayer awoke to find that he had incurred three new matches overnight. After sitting up in bed, Howie entered the messages screen to view the damage that had been done. Upon further inspection of the matches, two were so-so, but one was a glorious babe. She was perfect in every way. She had a sparkle in her smile, a twinkle in her eye, and wore the outfit of a slut. Yes she was ready to Tinder in all the right ways. Howie wasted no time in shooting her... a message of greeting. After getting dressed, he noticed that she had replied to his message with a standard "Hello". It was go time, as Howie began the totally not desperate efforts to trick, I mean, invite her to meet up with him this weekend to hang out. A reporter on the scene described the scene as, "A real shit show. The guy was hunched over his phone, sweating like an animal. He stared at the phone every second, waiting for a response". To Howie's dismay, they often never came. However, a stroke of good luck changed his mood, as she agreed to a meet up. And then another one. And one more. And soon it was apparent that she had an excuse for everything. This girl, better known as Gabby II, had successfully duped Howie. As of press time, the app had notified Howie that he must wait 12 hours before he can swipe right on any more girls.
Local Area Man Tyler Hamlin Receives Shocking News From the Front Page of Reddit Minutes after waking up this morning at approximately 9:43 am CST, local resident Tyler Hamlin logged on to his computer and navigated to his bookmarked page, reddit.com. After browsing the front page and closely examining a few news articles, he considered himself up to date in the world and able to assert truthful claims about all the news. A reporter on the scene described the research process as scrutinizing and intense, as Tyler cross referenced sources with academic journals to ensure the validity of the postings. He also utilized his roommate's vast collection of books and bagels, as he munched on a bagel with extra cream cheese while looking over some reference material that was cited by the posts. Noting that the Wisconsin primary was today, he checked out r/SandersforPresident and offered to put in a few hours phone banking to sway last minute undecided voters. At press time, Tyler was heading to the polls to vote for Sernie Banders, as he will turn this nation around and save us from the impending doom that foreshadows the upcoming election.
Local Resident, Alex "Lunch" Hennes Enjoys a Quiet Lunch Break Between Work and School Alex Hennes of Slinger, is reported to have sat down to a quiet lunch at his local area home as of 11:30 am CST. Our reporter on the scene has confirmed that "Lunch" has opened the refrigerator and stared at it with a blank expression on his face for over 45 seconds now. He appears to be either in deep thought about what to eat for the most important meal of the day, or on the verge of having a stroke. We asked his doctor recently about Lunch's health and he said he was concerned that Alex was eating three lunches a day, rather than eating a balanced diet of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. His doctor comments, "You can't live on lunch. It's just not possible to sustain yourself by only eating lunch foods. You have to throw in a variety of other breakfasts and dinners, or you run the risk of serious health consequences". At press time, it appears that Lunch has closed the refrigerator and decided on making a box of mac and cheese instead of opting for some leftover Buffalo Wild Wings or week old store bought Chicken.
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